| | Mind you, this is probably the 3rd all-nighter I've ever done...wait...no...second? Yes, second all-nighter. Well, maybe the first. But it's a little early to tell.
Recently I've been forcing myself to go to bed about 2-3. I'm not even tired then. I lay awake, shifting around, trying to think pleasant thoughts so I can fall asleep, and I never get around to it until late. Then because of my work, my alarm goes off at 11-11:30 so I can get up, shower, eat lunch, and go to work by 1. If it wasn't for work, I might even sleep until around 1. I'm just so tired nowadays, but I can never sleep when i want to. It doesn't help now that I've actually fallen into routine, which makes me miss my friends in indy/bsu. Every time I go to bed I want to cry. I miss everyone so much. One person in particular. I think I tried talking about my sleeping problems to two of my best friends...but I don't think I emphasized it enough to let them know it was really bothering me. It's cold up here in Connecticut. I don't fit in here. Everyone is nice to me, but I just can't seem to get completely comfortable like I can in Indiana. Ah, what the heck, my sleep-deprived brain is rambling. I've been really moody lately, and I don't know why I'm like this. I feel that...I'm suppressing something. Missing something. But I'm not sure what...or maybe I do know. And I don't want to admit it.
Meh, I've been watching too many Asian dramas.
To go to back on the all-nighter count, if I stay awake all day until the "proper" bedtime, this'll be the first all-nighter. I pulled one freshman year of college, just to finish the first season of Heroes :P Second time was because a friend was missing and I stayed up all night worried...and then promptly fell asleep when the friend was found. Then another time...I forget why I did it. But I fell asleep around 9 or so. Today I plan to run around the local high school track at 8 with my Mom. I'm still boggled at why this high school lets the public in to use their track...Heritage would've never allowed it XD Anyways, then because of a special sale at Bath & Body Works, Mom and I are going to the mall when it opens at 10:30 promptly to see what they got. Theeenn I suppose we'll eat lunch and she'll send me to work. Hopefully I can keep myself occupied after work so I won't collapse afterwards. I'm feeling pretty good now, earlier my head felt like it was going to float off. One more hour...one more hour and I'll go outside and re-energize myself.
I think I know why I've been feeling so empty lately. I'm also trying to change myself. Change myself for the better. Become more independent, thoughtful, and reliable. Most of you are probably thinking I'm being ridiculous, but this is what I mean by me changing by the time I go back to school. I know one of my charming points is that I'm all "sugary" and cheer people up. I act childish at times and I let everyone know how I feel. Well...I've been doing that, and it seems that it's time that childish Megan moved on. My whole life I've been indecisive. My current major is just English just because...I can't think of being anything else but a wife and mother after college. I've looked up to my Mom my entire life, and I used her as an example. Granted, my mom worked before getting married, and after too, but as soon as she had me, she quit. So my whole life I've been aspiring to be her...and it's getting me nowhere. It's scared all my boyfriends away. I always try to think ahead and I end up getting myself involved in situations that don't even relate to me. I always think I'm doing the right thing, but really, I'm not. Even if I didn't mean it, it still can hurt. Being indecisive isn't going to get me anywhere either. Now, this doesn't mean I'll change my major...but I need to find something more to do in this life. Next year I aspire to be a more serious person. I'll still have fun. But I won't get myself tangled into so many emotional things next year. This summer is the perfect time for a "personality change". I'm also trying to change my look to match that. Every day, I am endlessly resisting the urge to depend on the people I love the most [except for my parents...I'm kinda forced to do that], so don't all of you call me at once. This is something I have to do on my own. I haven't been calling people lately because...I'm trying not to get dependent on anyone. And by the time this summer is over, I won't even think about, "Oh, I can't do this because it'll make me clingy" and hopefully, it will have become a habit. I'll hopefully have turned into someone I can finally be proud of.
In short, my heart won't accept the fact that I'm trying to be independent, so until then, I guess I'll be feeling lonely. |
| | Posted 6/1/2009 7:14 AM - 11 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
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